Thanksgiving is coming up, and that’s just the beginning of the holiday season. Although the next couple of months will definitely look a bit different this year with Covid, there is one thing that will not change: the need for firm boundaries to get you through this time.  Holidays, although exciting and joyful, are also very stressful, and when people get stressed, they can react in ways that are not as empathetic as we may like. With that in mind, going into the holiday season with a plan to set (and stick to) your boundaries is essential. And if you need to talk to someone to build out a full game plan, reach out to me anytime to set up your first individual therapy session.

Here’s 6 steps to get you started:

1. Begin by working on self-awareness

Uncovering your own personal triggers (and the reasons behind them) can help direct you when you are beginning to set boundaries with family, friends, and work. Self-awareness is an important step you can take by yourself or with a professional’s help to be better prepared for the months ahead. Plus, this skill will help you in other areas of life as well, making goal setting easier.

2. Recognize that your emotional needs are valid

Most holidays are full of social interaction, which usually involves hearing a lot of people’s opinions (that may or may not align with your own). This is where boundaries come in handy. However, it’s important that before you start setting boundaries, you validate where they are coming from. For example, if you are dreading a relative asking you about your relationship status, it’s important to recognize for yourself that you do not owe an explanation to anyone--and that your emotional response to those types of questions is completely valid. Validating yourself makes it easier to recognize the necessity of boundaries--and can be beneficial when it comes to sticking to them. 

3. Choose a neutral tone when setting boundaries

How you set boundaries is nearly as important as the boundaries you are setting. Choose a time when you are calm to voice your boundaries, and make sure you clearly state the line you are drawing. It can be hard for those close to us to hear that some conversations/comments are off limits, so making your boundary as clear as possible is a good way to avoid any upset feelings or further confusion. Sidenote: if these hurt feelings occur, return to step #2 and validate your emotions. Boundaries may not be popular in your family, but that does not make them any less necessary.

4. Try this phrasing for voicing your boundaries:

“I’m sure you can understand that I do not want to have this conversation right now.” Adding that first part (“I’m sure you can understand”) makes it more difficult for the person in question to fight back against your boundary. Remember, you do not owe them an explanation for why the conversation is off limits, and you can repeat this phrase as many times as it takes for it to stick.

5. Stay loyal to your boundaries

Our boundaries are only as effective as our ability to enforce them, so pick a boundary you know you can stick to. An unclear boundary is ineffective, and it can make it seem as though you are not serious--so people are more likely to start crossing it. In order to stick to your boundary, keep in mind some key phrases (and don’t worry about coming off as repetitive). For example, if your boundary is challenged, you can try, “I do not want to talk about this. How about we talk about ___?” or “I really do not have the energy to discuss ____, but I appreciate you checking in on me” or “I’d like to keep that private. Thank you.” These phrases can help you keep a polite conversation going while still sticking to the boundaries you’ve set. 

6. It’s also important to keep in mind that you have no obligation to be polite when someone is pushing against your boundaries.

Although you may want to maintain your relationships, you are perfectly within your rights to exit a conversation that makes you uncomfortable. You can also make a plan ahead of time: if ____ is brought up again, I will leave. Remember that your mental health comes first even during the season of giving.

For more information or if you have any other questions, you can contact me by clicking here.