Helping a Loved One Through a Loss this Holiday Season: The 'Do's & Don'ts' When Someone You Love is Grieving

When someone we care about is grieving, it can be challenging to know what to do or say. We might want to offer words of comfort, but sometimes our attempts at consolation can fall flat. We may feel eager to fix things or make the pain disappear, but grief isn't something that can be solved.

Grief is a complex and individual experience, making the holidays an especially difficult time for those who have recently experienced a loss. So, if you aim to help a loved one navigate their loss this season, the key is to learn how to navigate your role first.

The following "do's and don'ts" are here to help you help them because it's okay to admit when you need support, too.

Do sit with them in their pain. Don't try to "fix" it through comparisons or clichés. 

It's important to remember that there is no 'right' or 'wrong' way to grieve. Each person experiences grief in their own way, meaning we should resist the urge to compare their experience with ours.

Likewise, offering platitudes like "time heals all wounds" can invalidate the grieving person's experience, despite our best intentions.

Instead, we should listen attentively, acknowledge and affirm their feelings, and simply be there. Unless they ask for advice on getting through it, keep the focus on their experience and pain. Doing this may never take it away, but right now, your presence is needed more than your advice.

Do offer practical help and support. Don't wait for them to ask for it.

While respecting your loved one's privacy is important, this isn't the time to leave things in their hands. Grief is a time when offering practical support, such as running errands, can be invaluable.

If you're unsure of what your loved one could use a hand with, ask. But be direct and offer suggestions. Rather than leaving them with a "just let me know if there's anything I can do," ask them if you can walk their dog or pick their kids up from school for the next couple of weeks.

Expected or not, you also can't go wrong with showing up with a meal for the family and a big bag of dog food.

Whatever you do, don't wait for your loved one to ask for help. Chances are, they won't. It's hard enough for a grieving person to muster the energy to ask for help or delegate, let alone think of what needs doing in the first place.

Do give them space to spend the holidays how they choose. Don't encourage them to put on a happy face.

If you want to support someone grieving during the holidays, give them space to celebrate (or not celebrate) how they choose. Support and respect their wishes by encouraging them to do what feels right for them, whether that means attending holiday parties, doing something to honor their departed, or spending time alone.

Don't pressure them to smile or stick with old traditions "because it's the holidays." Instead, what might actually make their holiday season a little brighter is if you are patient with them.

Do support them through this process, don't try to push them past it.  

It's hard to see someone we love go through a complex experience like grief. So hard that it makes us want to do everything in our power to make it all okay.

Embracing this feat can sometimes lead us to sugarcoat or disregard things. We often fail to realize that our heartfelt reminders to focus on the brightness of their future only dismiss the darkness of their present.

As challenging as it is to accept or understand, remember that your loved one's loss is permanent. Their grief is just as much a part of their future as their present, despite how its impact may take a new shape over time.

While it's natural to want to protect our loved ones from hurt, trying to fix things or make the pain go away will only delay the healing process. But learning ways to manage their feelings, such as therapy, is one way to continue through it.

So when it feels appropriate, remind your loved one that there are people and resources that can help them on this journey. And most of all, assure them that you will always be there, too.